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Six Months, One Year, 180° October 22, 2010

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 1:46 pm

It’s never the changes we want that change everything.”

-Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao.

I am a runner. Before everything else I’m a runner and I am grateful for it. I am not a really fast one but you can usually find me struggling against myself in the middle of the pack. Still the running says much about myself. Running, to me, has always been an intricate juggle of pleasure and pain. This means to say that achievement without hard work or splendor without an effort to see it, without the patience to reach it, just seems like cheating to me. This kind of thinking, I’ve noted, is difficult to share with non-runners.

So a soft rain, wind, cold, even some snow will make a beautiful day for a run. Once my body is rhythmically moving alongside my breathing and thoughts, the meters starting to pass one by one, then I get this feeling that everything will be fine, that each thing has a right place in this universe. I write this because I know that weren’t I a runner, most possible I wouldn’t had been able to get over all the loss I’ve encounter, contained over the past year with my sanity intact.


I have to admit I was looking for a change. I felt trapped in the intricate and tangled web which my life had become, and liking it less and less each day. Much can be said both in favor and against about my home country, both points of view would be valid, but in my case the truth is that I felt like I just didn’t belong anymore. So I searched the world for a better place to be. One which would allow me to be myself happy, to develop and grow intellectually and to provide opportunity because that was all that I needed. I believe in hard work and in to fighting to create the reality you want to be in and where I come from, no matter how well intentioned you wanted to be, that was not a real option anymore. Actually it wasn’t specially if you were a well intentioned person. Let’s just say that society had lost its innocence and not go into more detail.


In general terms that was the direction -or lack of it- my life was in when it happened: Change. Change came and not in the prettiest of colors. It was dark and hard and it spoke of loss and sadness. Within an 9 month period I lost 5 loved ones, the most close of them, my darling Father, the foundation in my life, the piece that held me straight, firm and real. I will miss him always, I will love him forever but there are times in which what I wish for is to hold him, to spend an evening talking with him while we take the sun in his porch. He was a magnificent man and from him I learnt what grandeur means. If all I’m thankful for the marvelous life he got to lead and for the merciful death he had. In the end he faded away without even knowing it and that was a special grace granted for him. As a friend said to me: One is always to young to lose a parent. Yes, I was. I am.

Of course it was a schism in my family. We always were a traditional one. Well, as much as my father being a divorcée and my mother a widow from their first marriages and bringing a son each into their second marriage. I think this only showed me that whichever the circumstances you can make it work as long as your heart and will is set on it, relationship wise. Life wise. Another thing more to thank my Father for.

Very soon after all that loss, the change I was looking for became a reality. A new country was waiting for me, the door was opened. So more loss was in order. This time it came from getting rid of stuff. There was so much stuff accumulated from years and years. Some was to be kept but stored in boxes for I-don’t-know-how-long and some to be donated, given, thrown away. I have to admit it was hard on me. So many things still held an emotional value, a memory, a significance. This was followed by saying so long to strong important relationships, the kind that mold and shape you. Family, friends, dear ones. It is true I plan on meeting them again but it is also true that I had to let go.


Just let go.


Sounds so simple but I can frankly say it ain’t so. Letting go is so simple a gesture that even the average two year old does it once he starts to walk in his own, so it might seem that we are built to do it on a daily basis, to be independent, comfortably alone with one self. But the truth is that even a two year old needs a lot of prep time to get ready to successfully do so.

I know we all suffer loss, that we all at some point are confronted with death or change. I also know I’ve had it easy in life, always getting what I want, even this new change. But if anything, this last year has really tested my ability of letting go. I’m still no sure if there is a lesson to be learnt in all of this, if it is just to be assumed in a “such is life” kinda attitude. I will sure let you know if I ever found out and have one of my famous epiphanies where everything seems to come together and explain its intricacies to let me know why is it that the universe works.


For the time being I can only tell you that after six months of having lost my father, one year of continuous change and loss and a 180° turn into my life what I’ve learnt is to cherish is my past, the places, faces, moments and people who had made me who I am. I know that I am but a mixture of everyone that has crossed paths with me, had they not been in there, I would not be myself. I am grateful for each one of you: good, bad, helpful, malevolent, critical, friend, foe, past, present but always meaningful.

And so, I keep on running, in a new place, always finding myself at the end of a good challenging run, which is to say, encountering all my love ones also. So I will be seeing you soon, once I finish lacing up my running shoes.

Daddy dear, thank you for everything.


Reflections after dark April 28, 2010

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 11:58 am

Passengers

We start the night
together.
With fears, hopes,
uncertain.
Hours go by
and we share intimate,
difficult  moments.
I turn my head to scan the room,
around me they all await, just like me.
Each of them reminds me of myself
while they in turn reflect on me.
Still, we remain strangers.
To each its own,
worries, thoughts, paths
and destinies or destinations.
After all it's 4 in the morning,
in a waiting room nowhere and everywhere.
So much like life.

Supernova Effect

A river flows awakening to Spring.
June makes the rain run through the woods.
Laughter flows carelessly in love.
Just as the cool Autumn wind
makes the golden-brown leaves twirl.
Tears tumble in the darkest times
but oddly enough they do so too
in the happiest ones.
All this energy flowing and transforming,
giving meaning to the world, reaching us all.
Energy out of emotion and feeling.
Energy from effort, pain and joy flow as well from you,
from you to the world, from you reaching other ones
It encircles both you and me.
Make a conscious decision to dedicate
all energy deployed by your daily efforts
to a cherished one, to the ones in need.

Pictures found in Flickr, shot by Eye 2 Eye & NASA Goddard Photo and Video, published as Creative Commons. Thanks for sharing with the world!


To my father April 27, 2010

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 10:59 am

Alfonso Soto Soria

January 23rd 1926 – April 22nd 2010

Daddy

No purest Love

No purest love ever was:
from his smile she drank,
his mighty roar she feared.

When she was a child he took her hand,
showed her a world of wonder
filled with beauty, art & creativity.

When he was an old man,
he took her hand once more.
To reassure life, to restore.
To comfort and to show her strength.

Beauty reflections

How beautiful he can be,
even if age and sickness have  tainted him.

Still a sight of a giant, a body of a  strong man
that  encases the vivid imagination of a restless child.

Beauty  out of strength, love & will.
Beauty shared with all who crossed roads with him,
beauty flowing from him,  bringing light & warmth
to  this dark and quiet room,
to  the whole city and the world.

The Fierce Guardian of My Heart February 15, 2010

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 2:11 pm

Determined, stubborn.
Always taking on life head first

Determined, stubborn.

Always taking on life head first
A fierce beast by looks, such deceiving looks
but with a charm that melted hearts.

You were great amongst hunters,
as you managed to trap my heart
with just one look.
My fearless guardian:
Watch over me, be vigilant.
You took a huge chunk of my heart with you,

for now, it’s yours to keep,
until we meet again and your presence
puts it back in its place.

Guard it as well as you once guarded me.
I love you
and I always will.


Farewell to Bela November 17, 2009

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 11:44 am
Sadly, my beloved Bela has passed away.

Bela2
She died peacefully on a Sunday, November the 15th, at her home, surrounded by her family. I’m confident she wasn’t put through any undue suffering; I sought to give her a chance to normalize her digestive system. Still, the past few days were especially difficult for her. She gave her best and made me keep pushing her a bit farther, based on what I saw in her eyes: a will to go on and beat all the odds, as she’d always done.

This Sunday she seemed a bit happier and stronger. After her short morning walk in the yard, I decided to put her in my bed (which she loves). The autumn sun was coming in through the window. She curled up in a ball (hadn’t done that in several weeks) and fell placidly asleep, while I gently scratched her head.

photo 3(2)

It was then that Bela felt happy and safe. It was here, in my company and near all her family, that she decided her time with us was at its end. She died without pain, just faded away as briskly as she’d lived her entire life.

Her constant presence, her understanding, independent and self-reliant nature, her joy for life and her loving nose-rubs will be missed; more than she’ll ever know. I know, though, that the end of the road had come for her. Thus, I let her go, knowing that this was the best for her.For the rest of the pack: Aullido, Tallulah, Daniel and myself, life goes on; and we owe it to Bela to live it to the fullest. We owe it to her to always be a bit stubborn, a bit sneaky, a bit reckless, never to stay behind, and of course to always, always keep wagging our tails.

To all of our friends, specially the ones who knew her, who were with us during this last battle, we thank you with all our heart for your help, your support, your kind and encouraging words, and for being there for us.

Bela3
For her joy of speed,
her joy of life
Her sneakiness
and incredible strength
She was loved,
and you will ever be,
each and every day.
You were a bittersweet flavor,
stubborn,
adorable,
and a real lady,
For these qualities you were admired.
I will miss you
forever more.
You were wise enough
to teach mephoto(2)
the value of life,
the true meaning of fidelity
and the true meaning
of what it is
to take care of
your loved ones.
Always took such good care of me.
Always patient with me.
Allowing me to learn for myself.
Always forgiving.

Farewell my dearest one,
be free to run once more
like we did so many times.
Until we meet to run again,
I will cherish your memory.
You are always,
always,
in my heart.
photo 2(2)


Crash May 16, 2009

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 5:45 pm

crash1“Vaughan unfolded for me all his obsessions with the mysterious eroticism of wounds: the perverse logic of blood-soaked instrument panels, seat-belts smeared with excrement, sun-visors lined with brain tissue. For Vaughan each crashed car set off a tremor of excitement, in the complex geometries of a dented fender, in the unexpected variations of crushed radiator grilles, in the grotesque overhang of an instrument panel forced on to a driver’s crotch as if in some calibrated act of machine fellatio. The intimate time an space of a single human being had been fossilized forever in this web of chromium knives and frosted glass.” J. G. Ballard, Crash, A novel.

On an inconspicuous Friday, coming from nowhere I underwent one of the most impressively liberating forces in nature: pure physics.
Physics are crushingly natural, mathematical precise matter. It was a crash, a push, another crash and then we stopped: car, dog, heartbeat, space, sound, light, all dead still.
For a moment it was just a complete integration with cause and effect, with purpose and meaning, with finality and understanding. For a brief moment I was freed from all human vain, erratic, superfluous emotion which lately propels me into action.

Then, at the crossroad, the motion and sound returned and I was taken back to dealing with the amenities of existence: insurance companies, adjusters, 3rd parties.

crash2Nonetheless an epiphany came to me. I have had a stupendous life, always in motion, always interesting, I’m made out of awesome but lately I’ve been sidetracked. My self has been observing from the fringes, encased, sedated.
Distractions have been clouding my mind, my self and truly trapping the potential within my sensibilities and emotions. I have never stopped to contemplate, question, learn and apprehend from my every surrounding but I have also been scared to admit true feelings that have me stocked with mediocrity, immaturity, lies and short-sight which were impeding a true growth.

Life, love and search need to be open and non-prohibitive otherwise become nothing but a retrogression.

In that perfectly communion with physics, in that liberating force and explosion all that was most cherished and dear to me -myself in a continuous state of motion, my beloved ones, the truly-permanent cobblestones all along my life-, were present, united and in-tuned. All the choices and detours I’ve taken, every minor detail, from tears lost in a river, to my bruised knees, all pointed to that precise aesthetic-Zeitgeist.

I haven’t changed, but I know I’m not the same. All crippled feelings have been lost, taken by that spectacular crash, pushed away by sheer physics leaving me void from all but a crystal clear understanding of what makes me be. I’m not defined by you, by neither of you, but reinvented, upgraded and outperformed by my own claims, directions and demands at each crossroad.


Requiem for the trees October 30, 2008

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 1:56 pm

They say trees are wise,
wise because of age, patience and silent observation.
Some say they wake up and talk to each other at night,
they talk about what they saw, about what they heard,
about the essence of life.

On a late walk last night at the usual park I found stumps instead of trees, half of the usual population had vanished in just one day, they laid there just lifeless wood. The reasons could have been to prevent them from falling or catching fire as they were old and dry, or maybe they had a plague and was best to stop it from spreading to the others, still their presence was missing…

Always so discrete I’m unable to describe their exact shape,
color, height
or shape of their bark.
But what I do recall is how I used to run between them,
one even helped me avoid a fall when my dog was pulling me so hard
I remember the nice shade they offered on hot days,
and how Tallulah, my great dane,
could spend hours chasing the squirrels that chose them as a home.

Watching that void, vacant space was overwhelming,
nostalgic and it hurt.
I never thought they were that special to me,
so silent, so steady, so strong.
It show a valuable lesson:
life is change: nature, relationships, us
everything changes, even certainty is in motion.
So be wise as a tree and take advantage of life while it lasts.


Whole Earth Catalog + Visual Thinker Essay Inspired. September 22, 2008

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 1:29 pm

We are as gods and might as well get good at it. So far, remotely done power and glory ”as via government, big business, formal education, church” has succeeded to the point where gross defects obscure actual gains. In response to this dilemma and to these gains a realm of intimate, personal power is developing ” power of the individual to conduct his own education, find his own inspiration, shape his own environment, and share his adventure with whoever is interested. Tools that aid this process are sought and promoted by the WHOLE EARTH CATALOG”.[WEC]. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whole_Earth_Catalogue

photo 2(4)Two different input sources became in hand to me recently thanks to 2 close and influential persons. First, the graphic appropriation via a switch-plates of various quotes from The Whole Earth Catalogue. Then, an email containing a link to Douglas Coupland essay “Visual Thinkers” for Granta Magazine. www.granta.com/Magazine/101/Visual-Thinking

Given the environment I’m currently in, I became confronted with the thought of excellence and exceeding as human being. These might mean a wide range of things to the ever-prone-to-self-indulgence-and-non-committed human race, but where I really want to take this diatribe is to the radical importance of efforts and initiatives to positively transform, or at least influence the thought, belief and habits of large groups of people as means of producing a better world. Sounds dreamlike right?

First, I totally agree with the WEC on that we have to take, each one of us individually, the educational growth of oneself, leaving it to 3rd parties makes life easier but produces large amounts of cattle-mentality thinkers, no matter how prestigious or “exclusive” that education might be the only real education begins with what we learn from our family and then from what we procure to ourselves. I know visual thinkers are formed over the years thanks to input from very early years: inquisitive thinkers are as much.

We, as species are naturally curious, kids with lazy parents might get scolded for asking too many whys? instead of getting their curiosity satisfied. I think that is why at some point in adulthood one loses its will to fantasize and speculate. Other than philosophers or scientists, few of us theorize on a daily basis and more regretfully, the vast majority loses even the awareness of their surroundings.

This awfully sad and eye-opening experience happened to me just the other day. I went to the nearest cheeseburger chain, just wanted to get my combo for lunch. It was lunch time so the place was packed and the service was slow. All of the sudden I spotted an old guy – and I mean old as in 75 years-old – on uniform just cleaning the self-service refreshment machine while a kid was making a mess of it, just pushing the buttons randomly and splashing Sprite® all over the pace. Of course the mother didn’t even notice. Shish! Just remembering the sad-tired face of that guy makes my heart ache.
I turned the other way, just to notice that behind the counter an old lady was assembling the burgers, working her arthritic and delicate hands like crazy to keep the costumers happy. No sooner had I spotted this, when I noticed a man with a lame leg dragging a broom & bucket beside him, cleaning all the trash the kids and parents were throwing around, mostly without even noticing. The worst part is that all the while, everyone there except of me was oblivious to these sights. Everyone was just there munching, screaming, playing, having the nicest time ever.

To my right, 2 costumers waiting -such as I- for their order started complaining for the slow service between them, saying that they better complain to the manager. At this point I was really annoyed and disgusted. I’m usually prone to the laissez-faire, laissez-passer philosophy but couldn’t refrain myself, turned around and told the bitches something like: Hey, have you noticed the lady making the burgers could be your mother?. That got me a couple of nasty looks but at the same time they looked at the old lady and finally zipped. Really the poverty level in people’s minds was frightening, they were totally blind to their surroundings and the real meaning of living in a poor 3rd world country with a 2-book average per year, and a total lack of respect or even awareness of the crude reality of others. Total lack of consciousness, that is what we have come to. I don’t know if this kinda stuff only happens here or if it’s a world wide phenomena but it really makes me wonder about staying here for long.

To close-up, I do agree the very best education is the responsible one we can give to our children and all the people we cherish, and I mean education for being a good human being, this means tools for understanding and keeping the eyes wide-open all life long. The perfect state, as I see it. is to maintain the curiosity all life long and to expand the learning stage as far as possible, be critical about knowledge but always humane.


The rhythm of the wind within March 13, 2008

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 10:17 am

The morning is cold and the sun is down, each breath I take makes me cold inside, but I know that in a while the shivers won’t matter at all as my soul will be above my body and its mundane needs.photo(4)
I’m prepared for this, for months, even years now, I have been thinking of nothing more. My mind, body and soul are ready for the deed and I will leave behind all other link, all other thought, all other feeling that forbids me from leaving for a while my former self.
I start moving, my heartbeat, my breathing change in rhythm, my temperature rises and my mind focuses. First I’ll think of the pains, aches and every small sensation I’m physically feeling but it will fade away and I’ll start paying attention to my surroundings, the people I pass along the way, the people that pass me, the landscape, the smells, the light and the wind that blows.
Problems at work, arguments with people, recent events and the ever-recurring-thoughts-of what will become of me, what will happen with my life, which path to follow, will then come to mind, this is a third stage of being in motion.
Time passes but suddenly I gain conscience only to notice that 5 minutes have elapsed, I’m still moving and I have arrived to some other landmark from where I was 5 minutes ago. I know I have reached runner’s heaven when this happens, usually after my 10th kilometer.

This is my 8th year as a serious runner but I believe I was born one. Some people are born to swim, some to play golf, some to dance, some to climb, some to box or hike or bike. Some are not prone to sports -or at least they say so.

My thoughts are that a human being is brains, soul and body and for that fulfillment should come as a whole for those 3 areas, so every one of us has abilities and capabilities within that should be explored along those lines. And being realistic, very few selected ones are to become first rate athletes in the style of my heroes Haile Gebrselassie or Oscar Pistorius, so in the common case we will only compete with ourselves which turns out to be the most challenging competition of all, as competitive beings who love challenge, we specially love to challenge ourselves. Be better than your former self, don’t age but upgrade!

So, running is my thing. Specially long distance, specially at the forest, specially if it’s a cold morning. No other sport I have practiced, no other stuff I have done has ever left me with the sense of achievement and well being as crossing the finish line of my first 15k race, my first half-marathon and latter my first marathon. I think it has to do with the self imposition of this path I have chosen, which, in the end is set by my own pace, rhythm and internal wind.

As the Penguin says: Waddle on friends!


Be part of the solution, not part of the problem October 24, 2007

Filed under: Heartfelt — Lucila Soto @ 1:29 pm

I have always believed that the only way human race is going to ever have a chance of legacy & survival in this our beloved home planet is being part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Solution applied to almost every big issue, be it global warming, hunger, disease, abused children, animal cruelty and more specifically on this diatribe: control of dog population.
I know, i know i know puppies are one of the cutest things ever, but is stupid to breed your dog for this reason alone. Actually, unless you have a multi-awarded-best-of-show-dog is rather idiotic to bred your dog. I have often heard people say you should allow your doggie to at least have one litter in order to satisfy their maternal instinct, please! We really need to stop humanizing our pets in such a way, we are damaging not only our own dog but the age-old wisdom within nature’s balance.
People often argue -specially in the 3rd world, my home- when the issue of spaying or neutering arises, that it is not natural and that a dog won’t be “whole” after its intervention. I might agree with the non-natural part of it but dogs, as a species, have been damaged, reinvented and recreated over and over again by us humans to the extreme that we are living now a days: street dogs, abused dogs, violent dogs, dead dogs due to undernourishing or car accidents.
The origin of these dogs is neglect. At some point irresponsible owners had the bright idea of getting a puppy without the knowledge of what “owning” a dog means, without taking into consideration the kind of breed and the needs of the dog itself or even a glimpse of the long-term responsibility it carries.
Puppies are cute but also a whirlpool, an adult dog is fun and usually the best-unconditional companion but if it lacks good manners, daily long walks and nourishment it could develop aggressive-violent behavior or sickness. A senior dog usually demands more from the owner than he gives back, but after a long loving life I say he deserves it.
A good responsible owner usually researches thoroughly the breed characteristics and needs, and afterwards decides whether or not it fits his life style. A good responsible owner would never “get rid” of his dog for convenience. A good responsible dog owner would come home after work, completely tired and wanting nothing more than sleep, and still go out for a walk with his pooch.

But I’m going off track. I was supposed to talk about “solutions”. I believe the solution to this problem is being responsible. If you really want a dog first be conscious, research, think that he will be with you for at least 10/15 years and as soon as possible spay or neuter him/her.
If you feel the need for a puppy don’t buy one, go to a shelter and adopt.
If you don’t want to go through the whole training-a-puppy process, adopt an adult dog.
If you need a good, steady and serene dog adopt a senior dog.
You can adopt a mutt, you can adopt a pure breed, you can adopt every kind of age you want an suits you better. The key word is adoption.
Help street dogs, try to find homes for them. Try to get them to an animal shelter. Try to get them spayed or neutered. The main thing is to get them off the streets and to stop over-breeding.
Most of all be sincere with yourself, if you already have a dog take good care of him. If you are planning on getting one first ask yourself if you really are up to the task. And finally always try to adopt and never ever breed a dog for the wrong reasons. Become a better dog owner, become a better person, become a “messenger for the cause” by both providing a good example and spreading the word of adoption, spaying and neutering to all around you. Come on join us, come on and put a stop to the problem, come on and become part of the solution.


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