lucila soto

I’ve already cried you a river.
But I’ll cry you oceans to come.

My father died yesterday but tomorrow will be yet another anniversary from his passing. This is as simple as saying no matter how much time goes by losing him is an unforgivable action. The pain of knowing I will never see him again, I will never talk to him nor kiss him and embrace him, has become a void that will never, could never be filled again. This -a feeling that comes from a very dark and heavy place- is to stay with me forever, I know. What small or big thing is to be learnt from his absence will never be worth enough to become a palliative of sorts.
It’s an anchor that was suddenly plucked from my life. It is not to be taking as a child’s pain. As an Elektra-sort of dependency. It is just love. And if while reading this you are unable to understand, unable to relate, the truth of the fact is that you just haven’t loved and care for a living being. And that’s that.

Then again, I find myself in a place that could be called a crossroad. The path I am to choose will take me to an un-walkable existence. It will define me for the rest of my days, and inflict on my surroundings a new kind of colour. Change happens daily; we wake up each morning being one but lay to sleep at night being slightly changed, as a more knowledgable or sophisticated version. But as the infinite knowledge of Time has it, the awakening from time to time is one of a being so different in depth an purpose that can only be said to be another.

It is a time for my quest to find Hope. Not hope for my sake. Not hope for my transcendence. I don’t believe in such things. My monsters are bigger than that. I need to find hope for a world that seems to be decomposing. Hope for my species which seems to be unethical, unconscious, immoral. I need to find hope for reason, hope for hope sake. I need the sheer confidence of understanding what life means. I need to understand the hope continuity after my existence. This I say not as an egocentric might but as the hope a believer does. It is my heart’s desire, my soul’s desire, to be able to grasp hope as mean to be able to write, speak, act and be in a brighter, lighter, more purposeful place.

Father, all things set aside and after all things have been said and told, I have to state my surprise about the fact that you raised a child that can only properly function in love, compassion, knowledge and understanding. This is your biggest legacy to me and my most revered discovery about your life. It is also a line of teaching worth of transcendence. This I also carry with me and this is -I understand- the best of places to begin my search for hope.

I will always love you. I will forever miss you.